Wednesday 29 February 2012

#fairy tail


I half expected the bedspread to be covered in rose petals.
One corner was actually turned down, expectantly.
Spirits rose temporarily as I looked at pillow in hopes of chocolate.
No such luck.
He laid me down gently on the bed and started all the usual stuff. 
I worked really hard to put the décor out of mind and focus on the fact that I was about to do it with a superhero.
Managed to get myself in the mood.
All my clothes were off, as was his top – what there was of it. 
He was very attentive, but way too gentle.
Whispering in my ear, he asked if he could make love to me.
He actually said that.
I had to ask him to repeat what he’d said.
Just to make sure.
Yeah sure, I shrugged.
Then he slowly removed his shorts to reveal a ridiculously brief codpiece g-string thing that looked in serious need of filling.
Now, you know me, I am no size nazi.
But the decided lack of bulge aroused my curiosity.
If nothing else.
He then removed the garment to reveal the smallest penis I have ever seen.
Truly microscopic.
Fully erect it was about the length and breadth of my thumb (and I have small hands).
Christ, I thought.
Is he gonna fuck me with that or pick my teeth?
Its smallness was exacerbated by the general largeness of the rest of him.
‘Twas then that the steroid thought crossed my mind again.
I’d heard the rumours about shrinkage, but really?
But then again, it was perfectly proportioned, just built to a different scale.
But still too small for any real use.
I was mentally flicking through my reasons to suddenly leave.
Thinking, how are we gonna do this?
My question was soon answered when he reached into an extremely feminine bedside table.
And pulled out a strap-on.
Yep, a strap on.
Oh my God.
He’s about to turn me into a lesbian.
And he did.
Fucked me with it while gently licking my nipples.
I tried reaching for my shorts to extract iPhone because I didn’t care how bad I looked I knew nobody would believe me if I didn’t have photographic evidence. 
Shorts out of reach.
Damn.
Oh well, it’ll be over soon….


#DNA Magazine

@urban_homo_dna

Facebook


Tuesday 28 February 2012

#trip



Although, it does seem so last century – the whole muscle thing.
I could never go out with him. Would be too embarrassed to introduce him to my friends.
Call me shallow - I just couldn’t see him in regular clothes having a glass of wine with my grandmother.
Although she was far from my thoughts as he opened the door to his miniscule house.
However, someone’s nanna was clearly not so far away.
Everything was tiny. He looked like an ogre who’d mistakenly wandered into the home of the Seven Dwarves.
The furniture was all this delicate pseudo-antiquy stuff.
He even had those awful doily things on the backs of the chairs.
And there were coasters and tiny lace mats on all the little tables, and florally lamps.
Surreal.
Had I accidentally gone home with a Beatrix Potter character?
No, he was still @andre_the_giant.
Although looking a little awkward in the space, he clearly didn’t sense there was anything wrong. 
I was expecting him to say he was minding the house for somebody. 
But no explanation was offered.
Then he said he had to feed the dog. 
A dog lived in here???
And then it appeared.
A fucking chihuahua.
The tiniest, girliest, twee-est domestic animal I have ever seen.
Called Lola.
I kid you not.
During the 3-step journey to the kitchen with Lola, @andre_the_giant turned on some music and 2 of the floral lamps.
Setting the mood.
He returned and sat on what can only be described as a settee and motioned for me to join him.
I did so, feeling most precarious. 
Then he started to stroke me. 
Or, more accurately, pat me. 
Like a small pet.
He then kissed my hand.
Really.
Took it in his and raised it to his lips and kissed it.
Ever so gently.
I closed my eyes.
Not in a swoon.
But in the hope that when I opened them it would all be a bad, bad dream.
Or at least that the decor would miraculously change.
It didn’t.
@andre_the_giant stood up, bent over and picked me up like a bride about to be carried over the threshold. Walked with great ease and me in his arms to his tiny bedroom, which was almost completely filled by a huge antique brass bed. 
With a canopy….


#DNA Magazine

@urban_homo_dna

Facebook

#about to get some



As coherently as possible I suggested we leave together and get out before it ended, to avoid the exiting crush.
(And to get away from any competition - a thought I kept to myself.)
He concurred with a nod and a sly grin, escorting me off the dancefloor, ginormous arm over my shoulder.
We kind of glided through the domain in a drug-filtered haze, past smirking policemen and other wandering party-goers.
There was not a lot of conversation, the power of speech having been evaporated by our various party favours.
However the energy to walk forever was still with us, and despite my preference for going to my place (much closer) he insisted on going to his. 
So we swayed our way to Darlinghurst.
Stopped on the way at a 7 / 11 where he bought 3 protein bars and a carb drink.
His body was amazing.
Even though, under convenience store lighting, it was almost purple.
And the veins – poppin’ out like he was wearing a crocheted body stocking.
Hmm steroids?
The face was great though.
Purpleness seemed to stop at his jaw, which appeared to have melted into his mountainous neck.
But he had that whole Italiany thing goin’ on.
Thick black eyebrows.
A great thatch of black hair.
All that product. Mmmm.
Took him 17 seconds to eat all 3 protein bars and scull the carb drink. Getting up his energy, I thought.
He was wearing one of those almost-singlets that only just covers the nipples as long as the air is completely still, and ridiculously short shorts.
Felt like a real cliché.
All eyes were on him.
Everyone is curious about going there.
But very few admit it.
And I was about to…


#DNA Magazine

@urban_homo_dna

Facebook

Monday 27 February 2012

#pickin' up


Remind me never to go home with anyone when I’m really trashed.
Not that I would have listened.
Because as I left Harbour 12 with @mr_muscle in tow it looked to @cute_cousin and @two_english_boys like I was in for what is commonly known as a #good time.
Although they were pretty trashed too.
I don’t normally do the whole Mr Universe thing, but this guy was incredibly handsome.
Dancing right near us.
Without the effect of illicit substances I would never have had the confidence to smile at a life-size action hero.
But I’d double-dropped just before we arrived, the sight of blue uniforms and eager Labradors inspiring memories of a prior drug conviction and therefore a sudden elbow-jerk reaction.
I had hit my peak early.
And stayed there for hours.
I was the hottest man alive.
Could have put out my own calendar.
And I was on the prowl.
So smile I did.
Lecherously.
He returned the gesture.
Yep.
I was in.
All eyes had been on his hulking form as it pulsated through the dancefloor, but for some reason, then unknown to me, he resisted the advances of others of his ilk. I always believe those muscle mary’s are only interested in lookalikes, so I never venture forth.
But this one was different
Although the end of the party was drawing close and so too were the other predators.
So I had to act fast if I was gonna keep my quarry…




#DNA Magazine

@urban_homo_dna

Facebook

Wednesday 22 February 2012

#nailing it












So we went for coffee.
And let's face it I was happy to show @Jesus off in public.
Because he could just as easily have been called @Zeus.
He is the mini-me version of an Olympian God.
Fun size, but perfectly built.
Strangely he had described both his looks and build as average.
Which was really selling himself short.
And he was even hotter in the flesh.
Very happy, therefore, with my café choice.
Full of voyeurs.
And just around the corner.
Tick.
I found myself strangely aroused throughout the earnest conversation that so often happens on a first date.
Our virtual wank-off discreetly sidelined, in favour of his tender stroking of my forearm that although seeming more appropriate to a reunion of long lost friends was kinda working for me.
Topics of conversation were so wide, varied and brutally honest that had I not thought him such good company I should seriously have had to consider killing him in order to protect my honour - you know how sometimes you find yourself sharing your entire life history with a person, to the point of leaving the conversation with an intimate knowledge of the other person’s family, but oddly not knowing what their full name is?
So I asked @Jesus what his real name was.
“Jesus” he replied – ensuring I understood the Spanish version.
“I don’t believe you”
So he shows me his driver’s licence.
And there it is.
@Jesus really is called Jesus.

‘Twas at that moment that I thought: I wanna fuck you.
And I did.
Not right there.
But I fucked him.
Totally nailed him.
I. Nailed. @Jesus.
And I’m still nailing him.
Not at this very minute obviously but quite frequently.
So yep libido is back.
I am saved.

Monday 6 February 2012

#hallelujah


Libido is back.
Thanks be to Jesus.
Yep, Jesus.
I found Jesus.
Weekend before last.
Online.
Strictly speaking it had been the weekend before that I’d first encountered him.
And strictly speaking I met him as @Jesus.
And he’s not what you imagine Jesus to be.
No golden beard or benign smile.
No outstretched arms with upturned palms.
And he definitely wasn’t wearing a white robe.
And although he’s called Jesus, you kind of pronounce it like Hey Zeus.
But it’s spelled Jesus.
And it means Jesus.
But the resemblance kind of ends there.
@Jesus is this incredibly sexy South American boy.
25.
Lives with his parents in Fairfield.
I’d first seen him on Twitter.
Then Gaydar.
Then Grindr.
Where I learned he was 24.8 km away.
Totally cyber stalked him.
Then messaged him with an uninspired ‘Hey’.
Messaging turned to flirtation.
Flirtation turned to sex on skype.
(For despite much protestation from almost every poof I know when faced with accusations in relation to skype-sex, if these chats are going well they invariably lead there)
After we’d seen each other ejaculate on our keyboards we then decided it was OK to swap numbers.
Tested the new waters with some sms-tennis.
Then agreed to meet…
For coffee…