Despite the great efforts and quite considerable talents of @hot_trainer I felt I was too far gone to rely on the age old remedy of reduced food intake and increased exercise.
If I was going to fulfil my ambition of being completely unrecognisable I was gonna have to pull out the big guns.
No, not steroids.
Not that I am completely opposed to steroid use per se.
I mean, sometimes, it's all about whatever it takes.
But I am resistant to the idea of being all veiny and purplish.
I am also not too keen to test the theory that they shrink your penis.
Nor that they accelerate the ageing process.
I'm doing that perfectly well on my own, thank you.
Accelerating the aging process, that is.
Penis is fine.
Not ideal.
But more than adequate.
No I am talking about 'supplements'.
Discovered through targeted Facebook marketing.
And purchased online.
Apparently it's the secret to Hugh Jackman's physique.
I'd been wondering about that.
And all those before and after shots can't be faked.
I mean, they're definitely the same person... right?
They couldn't get away with that, surely?
Surely these marketeers wouldn't be so shameless as to prey on the vulnerability of consumers with a lifelong struggle with weight and self-image?
How this is discernible through my online life and social media I have no idea, but given that they pop up on my feed all the time, alongside banners asking me if I want to meet singles in my area, then either Athena Starwoman is running the internet from beyond the grave, or else I need to track my history and look at what that says about me and my life.
It's a bit like your credit card bill and bank statement isn't it?
So often in crime fiction or police tele-dramas, investigators seem to glean so much from the bank accounts of the dead person.
What the fuck would they think of mine if I was suddenly found murdered?
What does my consuming say about me?
TaxiPay
iTunes
Potts Point Liquor
Soleil Tanning
Becker Minty
iTunes
TaxiPay
P.E. Dept
Potts Point Liquor
iTunes
iTunes
Soleil Tanning
David Jones Food Hall
TaxiPay
iTunes
Potts Point Liquor
iTunes
Face of Man Grooming Salon
TaxiPay
Hugo Boss
Fitness First
iTunes
TaxiPay
Soleil Tanning
Potts Point Liquor
And of course now recent statement includes 2 transactions from CleanHealthNutrition.
One for $144.37.
The other for $144.53.
So when you see similar ads pop up on your own feed and think 'does anybody really buy from ads like this?' the answer is yes.
Yes, they do.
Well, I do anyway.
I purchased both at the same time.
One for stripping fat.
The other for building lean muscle mass.
Both promising that I would not need to do adjust my diet, exercise regime or lifestyle.
And I have taken them at their word.
Which I possibly shouldn't have, considering the muscle building pills arrived well before the fat strippers.
Based on a testimonial I was relying on losing 9 kg in 30 days.
And that all important deadline was drawing near.
And I was becoming fearful that somehow the fat stripping tablets were held up at Customs.
Their ingredients, despite, being available without prescription, were a banned substance in Australia.
According to the tracking number the package was in Australia.
I emailed the supplier requesting an update.
No response.
Guaranteed to undermine the confidence of any online shopper.
I researched the ingredients.
Sketchy information.
Was I gonna end up on Border Patrol?
Am I Schapelle Corby?
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